.friday.rambling.

How to begin a brand new shiny blog...

Perhaps with my current state of mind - which is in a fairly horrible in between place. My life and my career are not what I would want them to be, on the other hand, I don't know what I want either.

I'm been mulling it over in my head for over a week - not terribly long I realize - but long enough to know how exactly directionless I have become. I've been working the same day job for almost 8 years, designing high school and college yearbook covers. In this time, I've done so little freelance illustration or design work it's embarrassing. In order to get a better design job, or work at all, I'd need a significant amount of time and money to put into furthering my education, and I'm not really sure the prospects are something I want to do anyhow. I love illustration, less so much design. The idea of working in marketing, or a high powered design firm where I'd be selling useless things to people who probably don't need them makes me a little nauseous.  I'd much rather do work that improves my environment and community, but I really have no idea where to start looking for it, or how to break into it, or what I could even do when there are some many artists out there desperate for anything to stick in a portfolio so that they can go and get a real job.



While I'd do almost anything to get away from my real job.
I don't know the accurate numbers, but I've probably worked with over 80 schools so far this travel season. Of those, Ive done maybe 8 sketches I'm actually really proud of. Several I'm quite embarrassed by - but worse than that is my absolute frustration with taking art direction from 16 year olds. Or having to explain to them the difference between a blueprint ad an architectural rendering; funny in hindsight, but in the moment, to frustrating for words. Not that doing design work for grownups is any different, or easier.

My illustrative style, which took years to find and which I love, is suitable only for book interiors, it would seem. Having very little professional work in that style in my portfolio makes it hard to convince potential clients that I'm reliable; and it becomes a vicious circle quite quickly.

Meanwhile, there's the dancing. Finally going somewhere, within the MidWest at least - and perhaps even getting to that point that I dreamed of years ago, when I decided when it would be permissible to move from Kansas City. Butt o where? And to do what? The infighting within the bellydance community can be vicious, and I'm not sure how much of a fight I'm up for when it comes to establishing myself within a new place. I also just do not have it within me at the moment to teach regular weekly classes; too much of my energy is tied up with dealing with other emotional problems to take on the emotional problems of students that invariably pour out during dance lessons.

All ironic because it is within my classes that I probably have done the most worldly good - helping students to realize their potential, accept their bodies, love themselves.
And I just....can't right now. I can't.

I love science, but I am totally untrained.
I love ecology in particular, but...

I need to muse over all of this more. Figure things out. Think.